......As tears of failure roll down my cheeks as I look back on my life after writing the last post, I feel I must get it all out and write this to Lil' Chris. I may regret it later, and it may just be the pregnancy hormones, but I feel as though I need to tell him this. Even though he doesn't understand it now, he will some day when he reads it......(I'm sorry if this offends anybody in any way, that is not my intentions)
Dear precious Lil' Chris,
I love you soooooooo much!! I'm sooooooo sorry that I can't be there for you everyday by being a stay at home mommy, and I can't provide for you like I want to. If I could go back and change things I would. I definitely wouldn't ever change having you, but I would change so many other things. I would've picked a good paying career path and finished college so that money wouldn't be a problem. I would've encouraged your father to do the same, so that I could be a stay at home mom and keep you away from those pesty germs for as long as I could, that is, until you went to school.
But now that I can't go back in time, I feel as though I have let you down. I only wish that back then when I was making the decision not to finish college, that I would've thought of the future ...YOU!
But instead I was young and stupid. I let money and my parents divorce that was going on at that time interfere with my decision. Or maybe I used it as an excuse. My dad said that he would pay for me to finish college, but he had just gotten done paying for my sister's VERY expensive private college of 4 years. And then my mom sprung the words of divorce on him. I knew then, that I couldn't take any more money from him after all the money my mom was about to take from him. Plus, I looked to my older sister(D;), who didn't finish college and was making great money and was on a great career path. So, I thought..."Well, if she can do it, than I can too!" STUPID MISTAKE!! You have to get into the right company at the right time for that to happened, and I obviously never did.
So, hear we are today. Even though I know how important it is for me to protect you and keep you away from those pesty germs....I have no choice but to hand you over to complete strangers to care for you while we go work hard to make pennies. I'M SO SORRY BABY!! All we can do now, is to pray that something turns around for us....That an opportunity opens up.... That you don't catch too many colds meanwhile.
All we want for you, is to have the opportunity to live as long of a life as possible and be happy and as healthy as possible. I promise, no matter what, I will keep you away from those pesty germs as much as I can. Even if we have to live in a box so I can stay home with you and you don't have to be around other sick kids, we will make it work. I know I can't always keep you away from other sick kids, like when you start school, but I just feel as though it is my duty as your mother to keep you from those germs now, when I can.
I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY! Please forgive me for the stupid mistakes I have made:(
Love,
Mommy
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4 comments:
My sweet M,
This made me cry. I feel your pain.
We have all made "Stupid Mistakes" and wish that we could go back and change it but we can't. Your father-in-law and I have made some horrible mistakes and I know that some of the things I struggle with because of my past, I have instilled into my children. You & my precious son have got to lay your concerns at the foot of the cross. Ask God to help you both, ask Him to show you both what His will is for your lives and then wait and listen for His answer. Know that His answer may not be what you want. There is no one, besides God, who knows what's best for any of us. Do you TRUST Him enough to let Him be Lord in your lives?
I am praying and asking God if it's in His will for you guys to be closer to us so we can help. If God so chooses to have you all back here, believe that He will make a way and if He so chooses for you all to stay where you are, He will still make a way.
Know that we love you very much and these doors are always open and I'm pretty sure S & G would say the same.
Give my grandbabies lots of hugs & kisses for me.
Lovin & missin you all,
Mom
M,
As tears stream down my face, I am at a loss for words! I want you and Chris to know that you guys are loved and supported more than you may realize, regardless of past choices! Lil Chris is loved and cared for so much by you and Chris that he will grow up knowing and understanding that your choices, from the time he was born, were made with his best interests in mind. You may have to work, but you searched around for someone you trusted to leave him with. You didn't take this decision lightly. As I know, you don't take any decision, concerning Lil Chris, lightly.
I will praying for you guys, and for you to be able to give your feelings of guilt over to God so you can live in the happiness of today, with your son and new baby.
Love you guys tons,
xoxoxoxo
Steph
PS I know that you guys like it out there, and here is not someplace you want to be moving back to, but if it ever were a thought, we are here for you guys, we have the extra room and space.
M,
This made me cry too.... :-( Its all wrong though! God makes no mistakes and the path you and C took is the perfect one for your lives! There was a reason you lived your life the way you did and all of that led up to where you are now! Look at that precious little boy and know that he will be used for great things and that he is made in God's perfect image! You are both such loving and wonderful parents! You are providing the best life possible for that little boy and forever he will know he is loved! What more could you give him! germs are NO match for God's hand of protection and the blanket of prayer that wraps him each night is all the protection he needs. YOU give him that! I love you so much! I NEVER want you to cry about anything... but especially about the kind of mother you are. I could only hope to be a fraction of the mother you are!
I wish I could hug you right now!
Love,
Christi
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