Our old CF Commercial that plays on MCTV. Still working on this years.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

I Don't Want to Have to Miss Him Someday

I'm really glad D wrote that last post. That song has been one of my new favorite songs ever since I heard him sing it on the Apprentice. I think I cry every time I hear it, b/c it makes me think of Lil' Chris and how I don't want to miss anything in his life and I especially don't want to have to miss HIM someday.

Another reason I'm glad D wrote that last post is b/c I've been wanting to write about something along those lines, but I'm not sure how to put it into words. I don't want to be a downer or offend anyone, or make anyone think "How can she think like that?". So, I've gone back and forth about it, and have decided to write about it anyways. Maybe I'm not the only CF mom who thinks this way. Or maybe I'm just weird for always thinking of the future and preparing myself for what might happen someday.

Every now and then, when I'm holding Lil' Chris and happen to pass by a mirror (usually the one in my bedroom, b/c it is huge), I go back to that mirror and try to take a picture of that moment in my mind........

(Sorry, It's taking me a little bit to get through this, b/c it is the first time I have ever written about it.........one of the reasons why I love this blog, I feel like I can let it all out.)

Ok, let's try this again ... I try to take a picture of that moment in my mind for 2 reasons. The first being, he is going to grow soooo fast, and I always want to remember how he was at this age. I can remember the first time I did this, and I look now, and see this BIG boy! I say to myself "Where has the time gone?" I remember him being so tiny like it was yesterday. I sometimes try to picture us when he is even bigger too. And of course I can picture myself saying "Where has the time gone, again?" LOL =)

The second reason is ... that I always want to remember that moment. I don't know how many moments I may have like that one. Now, I know with all the advances in medicine and research, that Lil' Chris will mostly likely live into his 30's maybe 40's or 50's, but there is always that chance that something might happen one day sooner than that. I hear and read about young ones and teens with CF dying, and it makes me think, "You never know". That's why I try to take a picture in my mind of me holding him at this age and this size, so that later down the road...if something were to happen...I would always remember those special times and how perfect and special and cute he was. I don't ever want to forget him or his cute smile or the little things he does.

Sometimes I forget that I am a CF mom until I have these moments or until I talk or write about them, like I am now. It almost makes me cry a little bit more when I have these moments, b/c it makes me think "When did I become this CF mom who has to think like this?" or "I don't want to have to MISS HIM someday!" I pray that I will never have to.


daniel's mom said...

Hi M, I don't have time to really put my feelings on paper right now, but wanted you to know you are not the only one! I have to take Daniel up to the doctor's for his follow up to getting his tonsils out. We may pass each other on the freeway. I'll try to write more later. Hope your clinic appointment goes well! Daniel's Mom
P.S. I also love that Trace Adkins song - it really makes you think!

Auntie Steph said...

M...you have me in tears!
I understand what you are saying! I have had those kind of feelings about my own boys. I know that my thoughts and feelings are very different, because my boys do not have CF, but there have definetly been days, back when Nathan was soo tiny, and on a monitor for 6 months, and then when Lincoln was sooo sick for the first few moonths, and the doctors couldn't ever give give me a diagnosis for him. It's fear of the unknown, I guess! Anyway, I know that I also have WAY TOO MANY days that go by and I just take them for granted. I greatly appreciate the pictures and videos of Lil Chris, because it is very hard for me not to be able to see him on a regular basis! This blog, the pictures of him, and the videos are a great help for me! (And I apologize for not sending enough pics or videos of the boys!)
Love you guys
Hugs & Kisses to my Lil Man!